I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Randomize
