My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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