maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
