Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
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