I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
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