there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
Randomize
