Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
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