I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
