If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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