genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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