He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
