im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
i want to fuck
?
it's pretty self explanatory
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
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