I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
Randomize
