i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
It was like getting head from an anaconda
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
Randomize
