I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Randomize
