i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
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