We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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