Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
And my parents said I crawled through the house
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
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