Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Randomize