the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
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