So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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