I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Randomize
