she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
Randomize
