I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
