Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
need another drink. this is the easiest way
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Randomize
