i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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