I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
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