so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
