Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
Can't talk, ducks in the car
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Randomize
