The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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