I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
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