every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
you know who we are? We're the female white stoner version of Kenan and Kel.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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