I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
