i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Randomize
