zippers are such a cool invention
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
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