I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
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