just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
