Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Randomize
