Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
Randomize
