My liver just broke up with me...
i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
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