to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize