i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
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