at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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