i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
