can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
