I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
