Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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