Me too ba-by. I wanna bite your ear lobes they are so fat.
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
It's no shave November. This is our time.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
