honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
Randomize
