Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
