I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
Randomize
