thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
well I can't set my house on fire every night
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
It was a blind-side dick pic.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
