Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
i think i scared a bird with my dick
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Randomize
