Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
