I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
then he tried to convert me to islam
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
And then my night got REAL pukey
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
