shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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