the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
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