I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
Terrible idea I love it
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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