I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
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