ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
Randomize
