I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
Randomize
