last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Randomize
