I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
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