I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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