i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
