on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
