i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
Randomize
