When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
Slut skills are useful in every country.
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Randomize
